Apathetic Sketches
by Pika-Zukin
Summary: [complete] Tracey's memoirs -- lapses into the EW timeline at the end. First fanfic ever. It shows.
1. Chapter 1

> I admit it's not my more public style. But I adore Tracey, and I know he's deeper than they make him out to be in the anime. These are his memoirs. I swear it wasn't me writing once I really got into it.  
--Neekachu
> 
> **Apathetic Sketches: Chapter 1**
> 
> It was like my drawings were my best friends. I didn't have any growing up on Tangelo Island. I was the big quiet kid, the one who always had a book about Pokémon in his hands. Since I was ten or so, I begged my parents to let me go to one of those prestigious Pokémon universities. But money was tight, Mom always said, and since most of the schools were on the mainland, not the Orange Islands, it would cost even more for me to go. I knew from then I wouldn't get to go. I tried not to let it show.
> 
> So I continued reading and continued drawing. Sitting around and collecting dust. Oh, how life is cruel to those who would delve into its details. The depression sank in the day my fellow classmates beat me up and swiped my sketchbook. They ripped the pages out and scattered them along the playground. They made their own art in the form of bruises on my malleable flesh.
> 
> Needless to say, Mom pulled me out of school the next day. Maybe it was something to do with the fact that I couldn't stop crying.
> 
> Thirteen. I was thirteen. How many boys that age are practically men? How many have girlfriends? How many have Pokémon gym badges? It wasn't in the stars for me to be so great. Mom worried about me constantly since that day. Dad was ashamed. I remember him yelling at Mom that I'd never learn to stand up for myself if she didn't stop coddling me. But I wasn't about to go back to school. Mom knew, and she wouldn't make me.
> 
> I remember the night I heard them fighting over me downstairs. My heart shattered into a dozen pieces when I heard Dad say something about how I'd be a man if I didn't have a girl's name. "He's already down that path," he said. "Out of shape, no girlfriend, kids beating him up repeatedly because he cries when they take his sketchbook!"
> 
> "It's all he has!" Mom defended. "You know how badly he wants to go to a Pokémon school!"
> 
> "Pokémon! It's always about Pokémon! No son of mine is going to waste his life in that little fantasy world!"
> 
> Tears were already flowing as I hid under my blankets. I choked, but held my breath sharply after that. I was afraid Dad would come upstairs and beat me up, too. No one wanted to let me be who I wanted. Whatever that meant. All I knew was that I loved to draw and I loved to study Pokémon. I'd figure out how to be a man after I figured out how to be happy.
> 
> The next morning, I got up early. I put on these red shorts I'd just gotten, because I'd outgrown my jeans already. Damn growth spurts. And weight gain. The shorts were now the only pants I owned that fit properly. After looking in my closet, I pulled out one of my older t-shirts: a long green one. I looked in the mirror and made a face; what a clash. At least the shirt had already seen better days. I packed my backpack with dozens of pencils and erasers and sharpeners, as well as my Pokémon manuals, maps of the islands, a compass, and a pair of binoculars. Then I slowly descended downstairs.
> 
> I wouldn't have done so if Dad was home. It was just Mom at the dinner table, drinking tea and reading the paper. "Mom," I said quietly.
> 
> She looked up at me with tired yet softened eyes. "Tracey," she whispered. "Are you going to school? You're all packed."
> 
> I shook my head. "No," I replied. "I... I'm leaving."
> 
> She breathed in suddenly. "You're..."
> 
> "I won't be a disappointment to you and Dad any more. I'm going to travel the islands and study Pokémon. I won't return until I've accomplished something important."
> 
> Mom put down the paper slowly. She reached under the table and pulled out a new sketchbook. "I got this for you. I'd hoped it would make up for your lost one."
> 
> I tried not to think about my ruined childhood sketchbook as I accepted the new one. "Thank you," I whispered.
> 
> She acted as though it was the most natural thing in the world. "Will you be okay? You'll have enough to eat, won't you?"
> 
> I winced. "Plenty," I said. "I'm going to seek my path. And be a man." 


	2. Chapter 2

> **Apathetic Sketches: Chapter 2**
> 
> Drawing. Always drawing. It kept me sane.
> 
> Those were the loneliest and longest two years of my life. And I felt like such an ingrate, having captured two Pokémon. I loved them like family, since I'd always wanted siblings. Venonat and Marill, my younger brother and sister. I wouldn't let them battle for a second. I didn't see the point. I didn't want any badges. I had no desire for competition.
> 
> And every now and then, I heard my father's voice yelling that I was a girl for feeling that way.
> 
> But I was happiest when Venonat and Marill found me Pokémon to study. We'd stay perfectly still, breathing in sync. It was miraculous, really. I'd filled every page of my mother's sketchbook in a month. I took the occasional odd job and bought more.
> 
> My hair had become unmanagable. Though going to get it cut would've required money that could have been spent on sketchbooks or pencils. I stopped eating, too, to save the money. I lived from nature, fruit and nuts and tubers. And I must have lost thirty pounds. I didn't keep track, really, so I'm not sure how much weight I lost. I did buy a belt for those shorts, though, so I wouldn't lose them. I considered buying a new shirt more than once; I finally settled on keeping the green one, so I could remind myself that I used to fill it, so I'd never be that size again.
> 
> I bought a headband, though, to hold back my wild black hair. No one really noticed what I looked like. As if anyone cared to wonder about the guy in the woods. So I figured no one would pay any mind to the guy in the woods with a clashing headband. At least my hair was out of my eyes. I decided to grow it long, just to see if I looked better that way.
> 
> I also decided I needed to talk to people, lest I forget how. The only ones I could, however, were the Nurse Joys. They were Pokémon experts, like me, and I liked to swap information with them. Nurse Joy from Navel Island gave me some reports from a Professor Samuel Oak of Pallet Town, on the mainland.
> 
> I read one article, and the man became my hero. For months I dedicated my time to reading everything he'd written. I swore I'd meet him someday.
> 
> I liked to think the Nurse Joys were my friends. They were very friendly. And cute, in their own way. It was when I was about fourteen that I realized how lonely I was, pining for a girlfriend. I just couldn't see myself with any of the Joys. They weren't right.
> 
> It scared me. They were the only females I really could talk to. And I wasn't attracted to them.
> 
> I never saw what I considered an attractive boy. But if I would have, I'm sure I would have acted on it. If I wouldn't have been too awkward.
> 
> I sketched an effeminate young man as an experiment. It made me cry, because I was so scared and confused. Marill and Venonat sat up with me that night.
> 
> I tried not to go back to Tangelo Island so much. In fact, I'd avoided it those first two years. I happened to be riding on a boat that ended up there, though, and I decided not to fight it. I was there for maybe an hour when I saw a Pokémon battle. A rather large one, three Pokémon against one little Pikachu. The three all looked in really bad shape. I had to reprimand the trainers.
> 
> The Pikachu, on the other hand, was beautiful. The three bad trainers left the scene when I began studying the Pikachu, even though it shocked me by accident. Its two human companions were tending to a sick Lapras, and I ran to find Nurse Joy.
> 
> That's how I met Ash and Misty. They were friends with Professor Oak. I was half-kidding when I said I'd travel with them to meet him. I didn't expect them to take me seriously. Misty nearly bit my head off when I suggested it, but Ash just shrugged and smiled.
> 
> Real friends. They forgot that I "invited" myself along, and they took my knowledge of Pokémon to heart. I couldn't have been happier. I saw all of the Orange Islands from travelling on Lapras's back with them. I saw so many Pokémon. I saw gods.
> 
> The Legendary Titans. Fire, Lightening, and Ice. And Sea. I couldn't even draw them. I was in that much awe.
> 
> And I met her. The first Nurse Joy -- and surely the first girl.. woman -- I fell in love with. She wasn't like any of the others. No Pokémon center for her, she paddled from island to island with her Chansey and treated trainerless Pokémon. She was independent, virile, and brave. She risked a storm to make it to an island with sick baby Seel. I insisted Ash and Misty come with me to follow her.
> 
> And she wasn't repulsed by me. After the Seel had been tended to and Ash and Misty were off elsewhere, I clumsily professed my love to Joy. She was very nice about the whole thing. She squeezed my hand and gently told me that her heart belonged to Pokémon.
> 
> And so I was alone again.
> 
> So I guess Scyther's timing was impeccable. I found it wounded and abandoned by its tribe on Murrcott Island. I suppose the natural thing to do was to leave it behind. As if some humans would bring back its pride, anyway. I couldn't tell Ash and Misty, but I sympathized with Scyther. How could I not? Thrown aside by its clanmates for a better leader and companion? The situation reminded me of me, though nothing like that had really happened to me. But oh, the irony of foreshadowing.
> 
> It was, of course, an honor that Scyther let me help it through the Pokémon center. It came to terms with the new leader and allowed me to capture it. Sometimes I believed I could hear its thoughts, as if it was trying to talk to me telepathically. _Thank you. Thank you for believing in me. I believe in you as well._
> 
> My Pokémon family. A younger brother, a younger sister, and a kindred spirit. My Pokémon meant a lot to me on more of a deeper level than Ash and Misty did. Though I loved them, too, naturally.
> 
> I forced myself not to think Ash was... well. He was, but he also had his bad qualities. To me. Too competitive, too obnoxious, too immature. He was a great friend. But I had to stop freaking myself out like that. So I did something worse. I directed all that energy and those thoughts to Misty.
> 
> It was hard to sleep. I didn't want to like her. She was too young. Too opinionated. Too much in love with Ash. But I did. Because she was there. And because she wasn't repulsed by me, either.
> 
> Thank God Professor Oak took me in when he did. Otherwise I might have done something stupid like profess my love to Misty.
> 
> Besides, they were happier with Brock travelling with them. Backstabbers. 


	3. Chapter 3

> Wow. I didn't expect so much reaction to my story. Thank you all for realizing that it wasn't done yet. A couple of disclaimers.. I didn't really expect this be as dark and angsty as it turned out. But once I was in Tracey-mode writing it, I couldn't stop. Everyone has some sort of dark side, I think. This is how his came out. I also didn't mean for it to sound as if Tracey hated Misty and Ash after Brock reclaimed his place. Even though he just found a place for himself at Professor Oak's lab, he still felt a little scorned at seeing his friends so happy with Brock. Well, you'll see.  
Finally, and Chris picked up on this, the story is a parallel to my other fanfic project, Eternal Winter. You'll see by the end of this installment, if you don't know already. If you haven't read Eternal Winter, you don't have to, but just know that Noelle Winter is my own character, and she and Tracey travel around the Pokémon world. And, well, if you Eternal Winter readers couldn't tell that she was going to be paired up with Tracey anyway... hee.  
My final thoughts.. I honestly don't like the title. I wanted to use "sketches" in there, to define the state of Tracey's thoughts throughout this fic. And I wanted a word for half-finished, lackluster, and detached.. I came up with "apathetic" after consulting my dictionary and thesaurus many times. I just didn't want a cheesy title. It's different, after all.  
Be nice to him. I love Tracey, and see much of myself in him.  
--Neekachu
> 
> **Apathetic Sketches: Chapter 3**
> 
> I regretted thinking so lowly of my friends almost as soon as they left. But the vision of the three of them walking side by side by side away from Professor Oak's lab was seared into my memory. Laughing together, telling Brock they missed him.
> 
> I was with my idol. He took me in. I was on my way to becoming a famous Pokémon expert. So why couldn't I be happy?
> 
> Professor Oak picked up that I was upset, and he asked me if everything was okay. I'm sorry to say I spilled my guts to him. Everything. How I just wanted respect and acceptance and friendship. He got a little weirded out, I think, but he listened. You're young yet, he said. You've got your whole life ahead of you.
> 
> My whole life. I did wonder if I'd wasted it. So what if I'd had a lonely childhood? If I didn't have a girlfriend? If I thought I might be better off with a boyfriend? I had my drawings. I had a title as Professor Oak's assistant. Why couldn't I be happy about that?
> 
> Professor Oak never brought up my story again after that. He kept us both occupied with everything Pokémon. Ah, my Pokémon. My great escape. I stayed up into the late hours with Venonat watching the stars. I went swimming with Marill. I watched Scyther train itself, keeping up its strength in its old age, and wished I could be that strong.
> 
> And Professor Oak, I owed my sanity to him. Soon there were days when I didn't think about Ash and Misty. I had Pokémon reports to write. I touched up a lot of sketches. I helped Professor Oak clean the lab. And I got to meet a lot of other experts, especially the striking Professor Felina Ivy.
> 
> There was something about her that I couldn't put my finger on. I wondered for days what happened between her and Brock.
> 
> Four months passed, and Professor Oak asked a big favor of me. He asked that I set out and find information on the multitude of new Pokémon that were being discovered. I could tell behind his eyes that he was worried about me. That he wanted this to be a personal quest as well as a professional one. He was so considerate. I knew he didn't just want to be rid of me and my brooding.
> 
> He was like a father to me.
> 
> Not that it made his grandson, Gary Oak, like a brother. Quite the opposite. Whenever Gary stopped by the lab to have the professor check up on his slews of Pokémon, he usually greeted me with some kind of insult. I always busied myself in whatever project I was working on when he did, but it didn't stop the knife-like flashbacks of my gradeschool days.
> 
> So I did as Professor Oak requested. It felt good to be on the road again, watching Pokémon like I'd always done. I had the soul of a wanderer.
> 
> And not long after I set out again, I met her.
> 
> Anyone could see she was a goddess. Scyther saved her mysterious little Pokémon from a Gyarados, and she was so happy that she offered anything in return.
> 
> She was so beautiful, and I lost control of myself. I asked her to come with me. I got the shock of my life when she agreed.
> 
> Noelle Winter, future ice master. In my dreams I saw her shining blue hair and sapphire eyes filled with love for me. In my waking hours I had her by my side on the road. We talked about everything. She had a Seel which she adored and a little purple bipedal Pokémon I'd never seen before. She called it Snowflake. I sketched it a lot. I sketched Noelle more. She was too perfect. I forced myself not to think of when we'd part ways, when some tall, dark, and handsome friend of hers would return and take her away from me.
> 
> I told her all of that once. And she promised she'd never leave me. That's when I was finally happy. She didn't have to love me back.
> 
> I learned later that she did. It just took her awhile to realize how much. But all of that, that's part of a much larger story. 


End file.
